Monday, April 1, 2013

Say a prayer for Terra today -- It's her birthday

I'm not going to lie, this week was rough. Today is too. But I'm going to blame that on Emma because her email took me to another level of missing someone, and now I'm just in this crazy state of mind. (But it's much needed.) There are a lot of cool and fun things that I want to write about, but I think I just need to write about how much I love all of you. Well, maybe this is a bad idea, because it's weird to cry in a public library, but I just need to express how thankful I am for our family. I love everyone in our family so much. And I've felt it more since I've been here more than I ever have, and in a completely different way. And today especially. My heart aches for you all, it does. And it's hard to stay here when my heart wants to be there with all of you. And each day I question, why am I doing this? Why am I being away from my family for so long? Why would anyone want to do this? And it keeps crossing my mind that maybe this isn't for me. Maybe I just need to be with my family.

It's been hard this week. It's been really saddening thinking about how I couldn't be there at Grandma's funeral. It crushes my heart every time that I think about it. I wanted to be there with you, I wanted to be there with all of you so so badly. And although I know that I will get to see Grandma again, I can't help but struggle. I've never felt these kinds of feelings before. I've never felt such sorrow. How do people deal with these kinds of feelings? It just hurts to be away from everyone right now, when I need a hug the most, when I question my ability for this calling. Every day I feel that I want to go home, I do. 

But then, I work with our investigators and less actives, and part member families. That's really what keeps me here. I want them to have what I have. I have the most INCREDIBLE family in the world. I do. I love you all so very very very much. And I've been so blessed to have this gospel in my life, in our lives together. I want this for them. We have a family of 5 on date for April 27th, and it is just the neatest thing to see how the gospel has greatly impacted their family. I mean, it is just AMAZING. And I'm praying with all my might that nothing will go wrong and that they wil endure and be faithful.
The doll I sent to Terra
I really don't like all these new feelings. It's difficult adjusting to them. Too many ups and too many downs. Each day my feelings are SO inconsistent. I can never be happy to be here for the entire day, but I can never be too unhappy to be here for an entire day. It's just a roller coaster. IT'S CRAZY!!!!!

I'm 21 today. Being 20 was probably my best year. I loved 2012. That was an amazing year. So so so amazing. And this year will be as well. 2013 for me will all be missionary filled. That's crazy to think about.

Thank you so much for the birthday presents Mommy!!! I love them all! :] Especially the little pumpkin girl. And the modern art stamps. I love you all. My time is up. Today is shorter, because we're in downtown Cincinnati and going to go take some pictures! So, sorry that I'm not sending any this week. And I won't have time to write any letters today, sadly.
Well, lots of love to you all. Come visit anytime you like. :] hahaha. april fools..but not really.

I am happy. I am. Just inconstistantly happy. I want it to be incandescently happy, like in Pride and Prejudice, but I'm not quite there yet. Sorry to all those I didn't get to write back to today! Hopefully next week. <3
Love, Terra


  1. And I love her honesty even when things aren't going well. A friend said a few weeks in Relief Society (she's a well known blog writer) that many blogs are what she calls "Christmas Newsletter Blogs" -- they tell the very happiest and most wonderful things that happen in life, which is great, but not always realistic. She was just commenting that when we share our lives with others, it's good to include the downs so that friends can benefit from seeing how you are able to lift yourself out of those hard times. Terra is so good at this because she shares every inch of her emotions. It's hard to see the sad times, but I know she will continue to grow and learn how to pull herself out of these tough moments. We all have to to some degree.